Cromagh Answers!

April 22, 2003

Cromagh,

I'm an adventurous half-orc barbarian who once slept with a polymorphed cat. My adventuring party won't let me forget it, despite all the times I've saved their lives. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Lubash

Dear Lubash:

The first question that crosses Cromagh's mind, naturally, is: "Polymorphed into what?" That may be your problem right there. Take it from a fellow half-orc barbarian: Discretion begins with counting legs, and progresses swiftly through checking for out-of-place parts.

But what's done is done, so let Cromagh look at this problem from a "you already made a fool of yourself, let's see if we can salvage your reputation" perspective.

Assuming for a moment that the cat was polymorphed into an attractive, humanoid woman... HIGH FIVE! So what if you woke up and she was a cat? Cromagh has gone to sleep with beautiful women and woken up with dogs. You don't need a polymorph spell for that! Ale goggles work perfectly fine for this purpose. Don't have any? Well, Cromagh just happens to have a well-used pair right here, which he will happily sell to you for only 10 gold coins. Only one owner! A rowdy half-orc barbarian who only wore them once a night, one way, from the tavern to the inn.

But it sounds to Cromagh like your party is just jealous. Not only did you sleep with an attractive woman, but you've saved the party's lives several times. You sound like Cromagh's kind of half-orc! So, since you can't change the first thing ... well ... you're not left with too many other options, are you? The next time the party is faced with something that resists their spells, has no discernible anatomy, and couldn't care less whether half the cleric's damage is holy or not (since it's ignoring most of it anyway), but it can kill any one of them with one or two slaps of its pseudopods ... well, you just find something more important to do.

"Lubash! Lubash! We need your help! Hit the big bloodthirsty monster with your big magic sword!"

"Sorry ... wish I could help, but I can't seem to lift my sword right now. Probably too scared. Could be a self-esteem issue. Tell you what, though: Why don't you just polymorph that bloodthirsty monster into something I'd find less threatening? For example, I feel reasonably confident that I know how to handle a housecat."

"We're really, really sorry about making fun of you and the cat!"

"Not half as sorry as you're going to be any second now. That thing looks like it's got Improved Grab."

"We promise to never do it again!"

"Shouldn't be a hard promise to keep, all things considered."

Is this a heroic reaction? Well, no ... don't be ridiculous. This is Cromagh you're talking to. Cromagh's not a hero. Cromagh is a mercenary. You don't ask mercenaries how to be heroic. You ask mercenaries how to get rich quick.

Your line ...?

Cromagh

Cromagh and JD Wiker are the authors of Cromagh's Guide to Goblinoids, now available on RPGNow.com.

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