Cromagh Answers!
April 16, 2003
Dear Cromagh,
I was at the diner with some of my friends tonight. And one of them kept
hitting on me. Do I need to tell my friend that I'm straight? Or is he just
joking around? I would really appreciate your help here, Cromagh.
Jesse, NY
Dear Jesse (and don't take that the wrong way):
For Cromagh to answer your question, Cromagh needs to know a few important
things about your friend.
First, where does your friend keep his lair? If you don't know, consider
following his tracks, to see where they lead. If they lead to a house of ill
repute, you're in luck! Not only do you not need to tell him you're
straight—he probably doesn't care, anyway—but houses of ill repute tend to
have a lot of wealth stashed away here and there. And even if you can't find
it, you're still in a house of ill repute! By Cromagh's calculations, you
win, either way!
Second, how much treasure does your friend keep in his lair—and what kind?
If it's mostly "art objects," he probably isn't joking around. (If it's
mostly jewelry, he's connected with the Thieves' Guild, and you should put
back anything you've already thrown in your haversack and get out of there
very, very quickly.) But if it's mostly gold and silver pieces—and there's
a lot of it—does it really matter whether your friend thinks you're
straight or not? Just so long as he thinks you're broke, and doesn't mind
buying the ale. Works for Cromagh all the time.
Third, last, and most importantly, you need to ask yourself some
questions. For example, do you lair in a house of ill repute? Is your
treasure mostly art objects, like those little porcelain figurines with
activation phrases like "Playing Doctor" and "Grandma's Drunk Again"? If so,
Cromagh thinks you definitely need to tell your friend you're straight,
because—and Cromagh is just guessing here—your friend may have gotten some
mixed signals from you.
And just to make sure that he gets the message loud and clear, you might
need to overcompensate for a while. Be the first one to charge into combat.
Execute any prisoners, and claim their treasure for your own (since you
killed them). Get your party lost and refuse to ask for directions. Leave
the toilet seat up. Don't bathe. Give up giggling.
All of these things have worked for Cromagh on numerous occasions. Except
for the giggling thing; Cromagh still giggles from time to time.
But it's a manly giggle, so it's all right.
Best of luck,
Cromagh
Cromagh and JD Wiker are the authors of Cromagh's Guide to Goblinoids, now available on RPGNow.com.
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